The Dr. Pants Chronicles 2: Log-sack

The hulking 9-foot frame of Log-sack loomed in the doorway, towering over the band. So large, he seemed to swallow up their entire field of vision, but in a crack between his massive arms and inhuman torso, they could see the bound and gagged figure of Kenneth behind him.

This was not the Log-sack they had known. Half Kenny Loggins, half John Cusack, the composite man had been a friend to them in the past. His back bore the brunt of the collapsing roof when an earthquake hit Dr. Pants Medical Funk Facility. He helped fight against the abomination Cussina (half Joan Cusack, half Jimmy Messina) when it sought to disrupt a studio recording.

But now, the easy half-smiles of the star of “Better Off Dead” and the singer of “Danger Zone” were aligned in a frown.

“What are you doing with Kenneth?” asked David. “Have you hurt him, Log-sack?”

His tree-limb arm came crashing down, knocking the band off their feet. He lumbered forward and as the lamp swung across the ceiling, it illuminated the swirling logo of their nemesis, the diabolical Professor Tornado, seared into his chest.

“Tornado’s gotten to him,” Dustin shouted. “Argh! If only he was more Cusack than Loggins. Then maybe he wouldn’t be so conflicted!”

The beast, confused by the notion that Loggins might somehow be less conflicted than Cusack, didn’t notice Aaron reaching into his pocket and pulling out his box cutter. It would be useless against the nigh-invincible might of Log-sack, but maybe...just maybe...if he could throw it to Kenneth, he could slice through his bonds and begin work on the beast’s one weakness: a funky beat...

The box cutter barely made it over Log-sack’s shoulder, in the narrow space between his mountainous body and the ceiling, landing inches away from Kenneth. His eyes, red like the Danger Zone, swung to Aaron and with a voice much like that of a movie star, Log-sack bellowed. He turned away from David and Dustin, allowing them to aid their captive friend, but in the blink of an eye, he lunged.

Aaron, screaming, was caught in the unbreakable grip of Log-sack’s arms. But it lasted only a moment. The screaming stopped and the creature let his prey fall lifeless to the floor.

Behind the beast’s back, the rest of the band exchanged mournful looks. They really needed to find a new bass player.

(Written by Greg Elwell)